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Irrational and yet very real thoughts

1/1/2016

4 Comments

 
The events of the day of Shane's suicide will never leave me.  I play them repeatedly in my head more times than I like to admit.  He was supposed to be coming home for dinner that night with his friend.  He had been communicating with me via text messaging throughout the day about his plans and his arrival time.  As much as I tried, I could not get him to give me an arrival time, he kept telling me he was doing this or that with his friends, he was waiting to pick up his girlfriend from work, he was coming, he wasn't coming, I just couldn't get a time out of him.  

As the mother of other young adults, even though I was irritated, I was trying to be understanding because that is what kids do.  Their priorities are not having dinner with their parents, I am a realist, and I know that.  My feelings were hurt but how could I really be mad.  I felt like a distant thought for him that day, I felt like he did not care about me as much as he cared about spending time with his friends.  IRRATIONAL and SILLY thinking on my part.

Around 6:45pm, I sent the last text of the day and said something like... well I suppose you are not going to be home for dinner.  I admit I was a bit irritated because he left me hanging.  My husband and I proceeded to sit on the couch, watch a movie and wait for his arrival if he decided to show up.

He NEVER DID, EVER AGAIN.

I later learned that somewhere around 3 o'clock my Shane had taken his own life.  We had gaps in texting, the last message I got from him was at 12:08 that day.  I waited some time, giving him his space, sent a message at 3:31 and then every hour after that, NEVER to hear from him again.

I often wonder why didn't I pick up the phone and just call him.  Why did I allow the simplicity of text messaging to be the last bit of communication I had with him.  Damn it, why didn't I just call.

Will I ever forget the series of events?  Will I ever be able to erase the sinking feeling I get when I do not hear from my other children since we lost our Shane?  I do not want to be a pest or place my anxieties on my other children but I cannot help it.

Just tonight, my husband and I finished our dinner.  We are sitting here on the couch waiting to hear if my daughter and her family are going to be arriving tonight or tomorrow for their Christmas visit.  I have had a few text conversations with her throughout the day that she is waiting for her boyfriend to return from work before she decided if they would make the 2-hour drive tonight or tomorrow.

I sent her a text and asked her what her plans are.  Immediately, my spirit jumped to the day Shane died.  I have learned that in my moments of anxiety, if I tell someone or I speak my fear out-loud sometimes it helps to soothe my spirit.  With this in mind, I said to my husband, I know its irrational... but I need to say it out-loud...I am having a sort of deja vu moment  waiting to hear from Christy.  I told my husband why I was feeling this way and explained my thoughts.

It did help some but I could feel the anxiety attack building as I waited for a response.  Only 15 minutes passed and I sent another message. "Are you ok?"  What seemed like forever but truly was only two minutes I got her reply that she was still waiting for her boyfriend and would let me know.  I ended up apologizing for being a pest and explaining that I was having a bit of an anxiety moment.  When she eventually told me that they had decided to arrive tomorrow, for some reason, I still was feeling anxious that something was wrong.  She assured me that she was fine.  

How do you let go of these ridiculous irrational thoughts?  How do you learn to cope?  How do you not drive your other family members crazy with your irrational thoughts?


4 Comments
Sue link
1/2/2016 05:40:01 am

I dont think you learn to cope, i tried cbt, and read a book called lost in the mirror. I do believe we suffer ptsd. For me it never goes, because i lost dad 16wks earlier, Chris had done silly attempts but i put it all down to him wanting to stay in re hab with people of familiar history (drugs) But i was always worried. It took me 3 yrs to actually accept he,d gone. I always question if there is a god why why take dad and Chris in the same year. All i can say hun, its excepting that your different the old you has gone, and this new person is like a child learning and trying not to hurt others. But rely on the group and if need be sometimes come away. I am alone in the uk now, and just except thats the way it will be. I trust no one because i cant never be hurt again, i cant deal with it ((hugs)) <3 wish you so much happiness, but dont think your crazy its actually normal. Shane was your son and is your son say his name regulary

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Janeane link
1/2/2016 10:16:27 am

I have often wondered about PTSD, I am not one who likes labels but I am beginning to see the similarities. Learning to deal with this new me is a challenge, but I am taking it one day at a time. Founding Shane's Hearts of Hope and continuing to reach out has helped me tremendously. I a so sorry for your loss, you will be in my prayers. Thankyou for your comment.

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kayla
1/2/2016 06:59:41 am

I phoned and messaged my son Joe (20) from 5am till 9am to get him up for work his work college text me asking if he was ready that was at 7am I told him to knock the door he said he couldnt as they were already running late . I continued to call and text with no reply .. At 8.34 my sons body was found by someone walking dog , .I still continued to call at 11.50am I received the call from one of my other sons to tell me his body had been found hanging from a tree !! I'm all over the place this all happened 2/9/15 . so still very very raw

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Janeane link
1/2/2016 10:13:49 am

I am so sorry for your loss and you are right it is still very raw, I am also approaching the one year mark. It has been one hell of a journey one that I would never wish on anyone else. Prayers for you, we will make it.

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