The events of the day of Shane's suicide will never leave me. I play them repeatedly in my head more times than I like to admit. He was supposed to be coming home for dinner that night with his friend. He had been communicating with me via text messaging throughout the day about his plans and his arrival time. As much as I tried, I could not get him to give me an arrival time, he kept telling me he was doing this or that with his friends, he was waiting to pick up his girlfriend from work, he was coming, he wasn't coming, I just couldn't get a time out of him.
As the mother of other young adults, even though I was irritated, I was trying to be understanding because that is what kids do. Their priorities are not having dinner with their parents, I am a realist, and I know that. My feelings were hurt but how could I really be mad. I felt like a distant thought for him that day, I felt like he did not care about me as much as he cared about spending time with his friends. IRRATIONAL and SILLY thinking on my part.
Around 6:45pm, I sent the last text of the day and said something like... well I suppose you are not going to be home for dinner. I admit I was a bit irritated because he left me hanging. My husband and I proceeded to sit on the couch, watch a movie and wait for his arrival if he decided to show up.
He NEVER DID, EVER AGAIN.
I later learned that somewhere around 3 o'clock my Shane had taken his own life. We had gaps in texting, the last message I got from him was at 12:08 that day. I waited some time, giving him his space, sent a message at 3:31 and then every hour after that, NEVER to hear from him again.
I often wonder why didn't I pick up the phone and just call him. Why did I allow the simplicity of text messaging to be the last bit of communication I had with him. Damn it, why didn't I just call.
Will I ever forget the series of events? Will I ever be able to erase the sinking feeling I get when I do not hear from my other children since we lost our Shane? I do not want to be a pest or place my anxieties on my other children but I cannot help it.
Just tonight, my husband and I finished our dinner. We are sitting here on the couch waiting to hear if my daughter and her family are going to be arriving tonight or tomorrow for their Christmas visit. I have had a few text conversations with her throughout the day that she is waiting for her boyfriend to return from work before she decided if they would make the 2-hour drive tonight or tomorrow.
I sent her a text and asked her what her plans are. Immediately, my spirit jumped to the day Shane died. I have learned that in my moments of anxiety, if I tell someone or I speak my fear out-loud sometimes it helps to soothe my spirit. With this in mind, I said to my husband, I know its irrational... but I need to say it out-loud...I am having a sort of deja vu moment waiting to hear from Christy. I told my husband why I was feeling this way and explained my thoughts.
It did help some but I could feel the anxiety attack building as I waited for a response. Only 15 minutes passed and I sent another message. "Are you ok?" What seemed like forever but truly was only two minutes I got her reply that she was still waiting for her boyfriend and would let me know. I ended up apologizing for being a pest and explaining that I was having a bit of an anxiety moment. When she eventually told me that they had decided to arrive tomorrow, for some reason, I still was feeling anxious that something was wrong. She assured me that she was fine.
How do you let go of these ridiculous irrational thoughts? How do you learn to cope? How do you not drive your other family members crazy with your irrational thoughts?
As the mother of other young adults, even though I was irritated, I was trying to be understanding because that is what kids do. Their priorities are not having dinner with their parents, I am a realist, and I know that. My feelings were hurt but how could I really be mad. I felt like a distant thought for him that day, I felt like he did not care about me as much as he cared about spending time with his friends. IRRATIONAL and SILLY thinking on my part.
Around 6:45pm, I sent the last text of the day and said something like... well I suppose you are not going to be home for dinner. I admit I was a bit irritated because he left me hanging. My husband and I proceeded to sit on the couch, watch a movie and wait for his arrival if he decided to show up.
He NEVER DID, EVER AGAIN.
I later learned that somewhere around 3 o'clock my Shane had taken his own life. We had gaps in texting, the last message I got from him was at 12:08 that day. I waited some time, giving him his space, sent a message at 3:31 and then every hour after that, NEVER to hear from him again.
I often wonder why didn't I pick up the phone and just call him. Why did I allow the simplicity of text messaging to be the last bit of communication I had with him. Damn it, why didn't I just call.
Will I ever forget the series of events? Will I ever be able to erase the sinking feeling I get when I do not hear from my other children since we lost our Shane? I do not want to be a pest or place my anxieties on my other children but I cannot help it.
Just tonight, my husband and I finished our dinner. We are sitting here on the couch waiting to hear if my daughter and her family are going to be arriving tonight or tomorrow for their Christmas visit. I have had a few text conversations with her throughout the day that she is waiting for her boyfriend to return from work before she decided if they would make the 2-hour drive tonight or tomorrow.
I sent her a text and asked her what her plans are. Immediately, my spirit jumped to the day Shane died. I have learned that in my moments of anxiety, if I tell someone or I speak my fear out-loud sometimes it helps to soothe my spirit. With this in mind, I said to my husband, I know its irrational... but I need to say it out-loud...I am having a sort of deja vu moment waiting to hear from Christy. I told my husband why I was feeling this way and explained my thoughts.
It did help some but I could feel the anxiety attack building as I waited for a response. Only 15 minutes passed and I sent another message. "Are you ok?" What seemed like forever but truly was only two minutes I got her reply that she was still waiting for her boyfriend and would let me know. I ended up apologizing for being a pest and explaining that I was having a bit of an anxiety moment. When she eventually told me that they had decided to arrive tomorrow, for some reason, I still was feeling anxious that something was wrong. She assured me that she was fine.
How do you let go of these ridiculous irrational thoughts? How do you learn to cope? How do you not drive your other family members crazy with your irrational thoughts?
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