ALTHOUGH YOU MAY NOT UNDERSTAND IT NOW, EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON-I know that you are so lost without me and I'm here to tell you that I am still with you, just in a different way!! That song you heard on the radio, THAT WAS ME, that touch you felt on your body, THAT WAS ME, the chills you get out of the blue, THAT WAS ME!! I know it's so hard to understand the WHY, why did they have to go now, why didn't we have more time, why did you take him/her, ALL THE WHYS MAY NEVER BE ANSWERED cuz everything happens for a reason!! We may never get those answers but we don't want you to torture your thoughts to figure it out!! Please just be open to the signs that I AM HERE!! I love you always & forever!!
A few days ago as I lay in bed, struggling to wake up and get myself ready for a long drive to Maryland, the most amazing thing happened to me. I won't lie at first I was hesitant to even tell my husband because it sounds so 'out there' but I swear to you it happened and it was as real as holding the hand of any of my children or grandchildren.
I am not on any sleep medications, I love to sleep. Ask any of my family and they will tell you, I could sleep my life away given the opportunity. The only time I am at peace in my mind is when I am sleeping and even then, I work out my stress in my sleep. Once while going through my divorce, I woke up to find myself in a fist fight with my x-husband only it wasn't him, it was my poor teenage daughter laying next to me in the bed. My kids have learned that when I am sleeping it is not a good idea to ask me anything, or maybe they know that is a good time to get a yes or I don't care answer out of me. When I do sleep I sleep very soundly.
Since we lost Shane, sleep has become somewhat of a treat. At most I am lucky to get a good 3-4 hours of sleep and even then it is not sound. I typically have my best hour of sleep just before I wake up. I wish I understood why, but it seems that after 5 hours in bed my mind finally says.. yeah ok I think we can leave her alone for a bit.
Anyway, this particular morning I wanted to get up early because we were traveling to MD to meet my newest Granddaughter, Sloane. I was so excited because she was born early and they had to keep visitors to a minimum for her safety. She just turned 1 month old yesterday.
When my alarm went off I instinctively reached over and turned it off because I was entering into that hour of good sleep. I am so glad I did because below is what happened next.
I fell back to sleep and just as I was beginning to wake up, I had the strangest and most welcoming feeling ever. I was laying in bed, thinking about our trip. As I went through the upcoming events in my mind, I turned my thoughts to driving down the highway and stopping off at the cemetery to see Shane. Shane is buried at the Fort Indiantown National Cemetery and it is on our way to Maryland. I imagined myself driving through the cemetery to his plot, getting out of the car and walking to his marker. I sat down on the ground and leaned over to give his grave marker a kiss.
Immediately I felt a presence in the room and as if someone was reaching around and squeezing my shoulder in a hug. I thought for a moment, wow. I wondered if I just imagined that. I thought to myself, I am really losing it now. Then I felt it again.
I know, it sounds crazy, I almost didn't even tell my husband. When I decided to tell Bill what happened, I started crying, I had an overwhelming sense love, grief and relief all wrapped into one feeling.
I know it was you buddy! I love you Shane.