It's been a long month and it is not over yet. The weeks leading up to the anniversary of your death were tough. I was more depressed than I have been in a while, it comes and goes but it seemed to be sticking around just to torment me this last month. It is much more manageable now because I can see the signs, when that blackness is creeping up on me. I know now when to reach out and when I just need a quiet day in bed to rest my soul and replenish.
What made it harder was that I had a horrible sinus infection that was causing headaches to be with me every day for nearly three weeks. At first I thought it was stress, then I thought ok, its the sinus causing all this pain. It continued to get worse over the weeks until I finally caved and went to the Dr. I couldn't even speak without crying. Between the headaches, the sinus issue and knowing that I would be reliving the last moments of your life were just too much. My Drs and my counselor are amazing, I was able to speak with both of them and make some adjustments and somehow I made it through January 18 without a complete meltdown.
Next hurdle was making it past the day we said our goodbyes at Ft Indiantown Gap National Cemetery. January 29. I made up my mind that I was not going to skip out on work either day, I knew it would not be a good idea to lay around all day at home and have nothing to occupy my mind but you, so I went to work. I was out of it, I will admit, but the distractions were welcomed between each thought of those days.
Now, the next hurdle is the memory of the trip to Ft. Campbell, Kentucky. That is coming up, I honestly cannot remember the day we went. That whole month was a complete blur. It's odd how we protect ourselves from these types of memories and it is also ironic how programs that we use every day now will help us to remember the good, bad and the ugly of our past. TimeHop.... brings me the memories of those days, every day! Sometimes it hurts to look at the posts from last year, sometimes it brings tears, mostly though it is bringing me Hope. Knowing how difficult this time was last year and how I have grown stronger and more aware not only of myself but of those around me has helped me to feel thankful for every moment that we had together.
Will it ever end? I'm guessing NO. Will I make it? I sure will because I have a mission now. I will continue to learn, to raise awareness, to love, to cherish every moment until the day that I take my last breath and God willing, I will get to hug you once again and tell you all about what we have been doing with Shane's Hearts of Hope.
What made it harder was that I had a horrible sinus infection that was causing headaches to be with me every day for nearly three weeks. At first I thought it was stress, then I thought ok, its the sinus causing all this pain. It continued to get worse over the weeks until I finally caved and went to the Dr. I couldn't even speak without crying. Between the headaches, the sinus issue and knowing that I would be reliving the last moments of your life were just too much. My Drs and my counselor are amazing, I was able to speak with both of them and make some adjustments and somehow I made it through January 18 without a complete meltdown.
Next hurdle was making it past the day we said our goodbyes at Ft Indiantown Gap National Cemetery. January 29. I made up my mind that I was not going to skip out on work either day, I knew it would not be a good idea to lay around all day at home and have nothing to occupy my mind but you, so I went to work. I was out of it, I will admit, but the distractions were welcomed between each thought of those days.
Now, the next hurdle is the memory of the trip to Ft. Campbell, Kentucky. That is coming up, I honestly cannot remember the day we went. That whole month was a complete blur. It's odd how we protect ourselves from these types of memories and it is also ironic how programs that we use every day now will help us to remember the good, bad and the ugly of our past. TimeHop.... brings me the memories of those days, every day! Sometimes it hurts to look at the posts from last year, sometimes it brings tears, mostly though it is bringing me Hope. Knowing how difficult this time was last year and how I have grown stronger and more aware not only of myself but of those around me has helped me to feel thankful for every moment that we had together.
Will it ever end? I'm guessing NO. Will I make it? I sure will because I have a mission now. I will continue to learn, to raise awareness, to love, to cherish every moment until the day that I take my last breath and God willing, I will get to hug you once again and tell you all about what we have been doing with Shane's Hearts of Hope.
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