Shane's Hearts of Hope
  • Home
  • Blog
  • In Memory of
  • Volunteers
  • Distribute Hearts
  • I Found a Heart
  • FAQ
  • Events
  • Contact
  • Resources
  • Purchase Books
  • Support
  • Sponsors

It has been a long month and it's not over yet....

1/30/2016

0 Comments

 
It's been a long month and it is not over yet.  The weeks leading up to the anniversary of your death were tough.  I was more depressed than I have been in a while, it comes and goes but it seemed to be sticking around just to torment me this last month.  It is much more manageable now because I can see the signs, when that blackness is creeping up on me.  I know now when to reach out and when I just need a quiet day in bed to rest my soul and replenish.  

What made it harder was that I had a horrible sinus infection that was causing headaches to be with me every day for nearly three weeks.  At first I thought it was stress, then I thought ok, its the sinus causing all this pain.  It continued to get worse over the weeks until I finally caved and went to the Dr.  I couldn't even speak without crying.  Between the headaches, the sinus issue and knowing that I would be reliving the last moments of your life were just too much.  My Drs and my counselor are amazing, I was able to speak with both of them and make some adjustments and somehow I made it through January 18 without a complete meltdown.  

Next hurdle was making it past the day we said our goodbyes at Ft Indiantown Gap National Cemetery.  January 29.  I made up my mind that I was not going to skip out on work either day, I knew it would not be a good idea to lay around all day at home and have nothing to occupy my mind but you, so I went to work.  I was out of it, I will admit, but the distractions were welcomed between each thought of those days.  

Now, the next hurdle is the memory of the trip to Ft. Campbell, Kentucky.  That is coming up, I honestly cannot remember the day we went.  That whole month was a complete blur.  It's odd how we protect ourselves from these types of memories and it is also ironic how programs that we use every day now will help us to remember the good, bad and the ugly of our past.  TimeHop.... brings me the memories of those days, every day!  Sometimes it hurts to look at the posts from last year, sometimes it brings tears, mostly though it is bringing me Hope.  Knowing how difficult this time was last year and how I have grown stronger and more aware not only of myself but of those around me has helped me to feel thankful for every moment that we had together.

Will it ever end?  I'm guessing NO.  Will I make it?  I sure will because I have a mission now.  I will continue to learn, to raise awareness, to love, to cherish every moment until the day that I take my last breath and God willing, I will get to hug you once again and tell you all about what we have been doing with Shane's Hearts of Hope.  

0 Comments

Christmas without you....

1/6/2016

0 Comments

 
Picture
Picture

Christmas without you... we survived!  It wasn't the same and it came with a lot of tears and a lot of effort, but we did it. In my mind every day was filled with memories of our Christmas last year which made it hard to do anything.  I tried but I felt frozen in time.

I have never been a huge fan of Christmas, the excitement, the joy, the spirit of the holiday has been replaced by society with what feels like competition, obligation and greed.  I do find the joy still in treating the little ones, but when we are living a life of plenty, it just all seems so commercialized and I have a hard time fitting into that mode.

I knew it was going to be tough but I had no idea how tough, the feelings of well, no feelings were more than I wanted to deal with.  Things like decorating the tree were twisted into thoughts of having to pull out the ornaments that I have lovingly picked out for you throughout the years.  Finding those memories was just too much to bear.

The tree went up and the lights were put on but it sat empty for awhile.  The boys ended up getting their ornament boxes and adding their special memories but I just couldn't be a part of it.  I wanted to, but I was so afraid of how I would react that I decided it was best to just let it go for this year. Talking to my counselor, I explained to her the tremendous amount of guilt I was feeling for this act.  I didn't want to ruin the holidays for everyone else just because I was stuck in last year and the years I could spend time with you.  She suggested that I explain to our family how I was feeling and give them the option to decorate the tree without me.  It was such a simple solution and yet I didn't think of it myself.  By this time, two of the boys had already added their ornaments, but Bill was hesitating to add his, I am sure for fear of upsetting me.  I told him what my counselor had suggested and to my surprise I felt a tremendous amount of weight lifted off my shoulders.  He didn't get those special ornaments down from the attic until the day before Christmas which surprised me, I am sure he was struggling as well, but he doesn't talk much about it.

I was so glad when he did get some of our special ornaments, including the army hat ornament we bought for you last year and he placed it ever so carefully on the tree.  I don't know that anyone else is aware, but I stopped and touched that ornament many times until I took the tree down today.  I am so thankful that Bill brought it down and he had the strength that I did not.

We also lost Uncle George in 2015 so we were missing two important members of our family this year.  Uncle George loved Christmas, he loved buying books for everyone and his love of reading was forced on everyone whether they like to read or not LOL.  Bill found some old photos of him and George when they were little and gave those as gifts to his son.  Missing you both hit at different times and each time it hit, I just allowed myself to feel it. I think that helped, but it made for an awful rollercoaster ride through the holidays, not just Christmas, Thanksgiving and New Years too.

I tried to find productive ways to honor you and Uncle George this year.  I made some handmade ornaments with a photos of you and him, giving them to family members.  I made two special ornaments for myself this year, the one in the photo above and another handmade ornament of your grave marker.  Having them on the tree helped me to feel you were near. The way I feel today, I think I want to continue to get you a special ornament each year like I did when you were little and again when you returned home.   I guess we will see.  

The day before Christmas I went to Ft Indiantown Gap National Cemetery alone.  The ground was soggy and wet, but I still sat on the ground in front of your marker and I just talked to you.  I really like doing that.  Sometimes I am sorry that we chose your final resting place to be so far away, but then again, I might go to your grave every day if it was in town.  Planning and making a special trip sort of makes it feel like I am really going to see you.  Then I get there and well you know, it is such a somber place and yet so peaceful.

​So today, as I put the tree and all the Christmas decorations away and return our living space to its normal state, I am feeling thankful.  Thankful that as a family, we were able to find a way to make it through without you and Uncle George and we were able to find moments of happiness within our sadness.  

You are gone out of our physical life Shane and George, but you will NEVER be out of our hearts and minds.
We miss you so much.
0 Comments

Irrational and yet very real thoughts

1/1/2016

4 Comments

 
The events of the day of Shane's suicide will never leave me.  I play them repeatedly in my head more times than I like to admit.  He was supposed to be coming home for dinner that night with his friend.  He had been communicating with me via text messaging throughout the day about his plans and his arrival time.  As much as I tried, I could not get him to give me an arrival time, he kept telling me he was doing this or that with his friends, he was waiting to pick up his girlfriend from work, he was coming, he wasn't coming, I just couldn't get a time out of him.  

As the mother of other young adults, even though I was irritated, I was trying to be understanding because that is what kids do.  Their priorities are not having dinner with their parents, I am a realist, and I know that.  My feelings were hurt but how could I really be mad.  I felt like a distant thought for him that day, I felt like he did not care about me as much as he cared about spending time with his friends.  IRRATIONAL and SILLY thinking on my part.

Around 6:45pm, I sent the last text of the day and said something like... well I suppose you are not going to be home for dinner.  I admit I was a bit irritated because he left me hanging.  My husband and I proceeded to sit on the couch, watch a movie and wait for his arrival if he decided to show up.

He NEVER DID, EVER AGAIN.

I later learned that somewhere around 3 o'clock my Shane had taken his own life.  We had gaps in texting, the last message I got from him was at 12:08 that day.  I waited some time, giving him his space, sent a message at 3:31 and then every hour after that, NEVER to hear from him again.

I often wonder why didn't I pick up the phone and just call him.  Why did I allow the simplicity of text messaging to be the last bit of communication I had with him.  Damn it, why didn't I just call.

Will I ever forget the series of events?  Will I ever be able to erase the sinking feeling I get when I do not hear from my other children since we lost our Shane?  I do not want to be a pest or place my anxieties on my other children but I cannot help it.

Just tonight, my husband and I finished our dinner.  We are sitting here on the couch waiting to hear if my daughter and her family are going to be arriving tonight or tomorrow for their Christmas visit.  I have had a few text conversations with her throughout the day that she is waiting for her boyfriend to return from work before she decided if they would make the 2-hour drive tonight or tomorrow.

I sent her a text and asked her what her plans are.  Immediately, my spirit jumped to the day Shane died.  I have learned that in my moments of anxiety, if I tell someone or I speak my fear out-loud sometimes it helps to soothe my spirit.  With this in mind, I said to my husband, I know its irrational... but I need to say it out-loud...I am having a sort of deja vu moment  waiting to hear from Christy.  I told my husband why I was feeling this way and explained my thoughts.

It did help some but I could feel the anxiety attack building as I waited for a response.  Only 15 minutes passed and I sent another message. "Are you ok?"  What seemed like forever but truly was only two minutes I got her reply that she was still waiting for her boyfriend and would let me know.  I ended up apologizing for being a pest and explaining that I was having a bit of an anxiety moment.  When she eventually told me that they had decided to arrive tomorrow, for some reason, I still was feeling anxious that something was wrong.  She assured me that she was fine.  

How do you let go of these ridiculous irrational thoughts?  How do you learn to cope?  How do you not drive your other family members crazy with your irrational thoughts?


4 Comments

    Categories

    All

    Archives

    June 2016
    May 2016
    April 2016
    March 2016
    January 2016
    November 2015
    September 2015
    August 2015

    RSS Feed

    Picture
© COPYRIGHT 2015. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.