Why do you call him “your son”? I call him my son because I love him as if he were my own. I love him no matter what he did or had done. I loved him when his biological mother asked me to care for him so she could get help. I loved him the first time I held him in my arms when he was 6 months old. I loved him even though he had not come from my womb. I loved him for the silly little way that he looked at me when I fed him his bottle. I loved him when he sat up for the first time. I loved him when he crawled for the first time. I loved him when he walked for the first time. I loved him when his biological mother couldn’t because she loved her ‘lifestyle’ more than him. I loved him when he threw himself on the floor and screamed for hours on end because he didn’t want to go to bed or sleep in his own bed. I loved him when his biological mother loved alcohol and drugs more than she loved him or his sisters. I loved him when he crawled up on my lap and said ‘ you’re not cushy any more’ (after I had lost weight). I loved him when he looked at me that way, like he was begging me to save him. I loved him when I reported his mother to the authorities. I loved him when he was afraid to be with me because I made a mistake and tried to reunite him with his biological mother. I LOVED HIM more than myself when I gave him up for adoption to the foster care system, because he didn’t trust me anymore. I loved him when all I wanted to do was see him every day but I knew he needed to be secure with his new family so I maintained minimal contact. I loved him enough to let him go. I loved him when he reached out to me and wanted to come back into my life. I loved him when he needed someone to love him back. I loved him when he didn’t feel loved. I loved him enough to realize that I was no longer his mom, but now I was his friend. I loved him, when he was unsure of his future, I loved him when he was afraid to trust me. I LOVED HIM when he finally realized how much I LOVED HIM. I LOVED HIM. YES, I am technically his AUNT…. But I loved him, as if he were my own AND HE KNEW I LOVED HIM. That is WHY I call him my son! HE IS MY SON !
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The Spirit Whisperer Card A-there IS light at the end of the tunnel!! Whatever you are waiting for just hold on a little longer as things are moving in the right direction for you, this picture shows coming out of rough seas and into something much calmer! This card can also represent relocation or travel as well that is possibly coming up for you! You will not be traveling alone, your passed loved ones will be living thru your eyes so make sure to enjoy every moment, make memories, take lots of pictures, and just ENJOY!!
You do not have to speak out loud for me to hear you! I am always in your thoughts! Just think of me and my soul is right next to you! I hear all of the regrets that you have as well as all of the beautiful memories we have created together! Try to let go of the regrets, my soul is at peace! I need your soul to be at peace as well!! I love you!
I've seen several people today on social media comment about visits from loved ones... It must have been visiting night. I too woke up last night at 3:33 (i often do) went to the bathroom and oddly as I walked down the hall I thought I felt Shane following me. Sounds even more bizarre but as I sat on the toilet, I felt him move back behind the wall to give me privacy LOL smile emoticon Another odd little piece of info, since I often wake up exactly at 3:33 so I looked up numerology. Spiritual Meaning of 333 http://www.intuitivejournal.com/spiritual-meaning-of-333/
3.2KDo you see the repeating number 333? Find out the symbolism and spiritual meaning of angel number 333 and what this means to you and your life. I have written before about other repeating numbers like 11:11, 222, 444, 555, 666, 777, 888, and 999 if you see those numbers as well. Seeing any repeating number is a sign that there is a current issue in your life and the numbers are a sign to get you to pay attention. It is a persons subconscious trying to make them aware of something consciously. What is the Spiritual Meaning of 333?It means that is a sign that the angels signify their agreement to your thoughts. It means truth and is a sign of the trinity. Mind, body, and spirit. Three becoming one. Angels love, protect, and surround you and the union is complete. Angels are in your midst. Think of 333 as an equilateral triangle, with each side and points being equal. It is the numerical representation of truth. Not just in right and wrong, but as Truth. As each number has its own energetic vibration, you have an attachment to the energy in which this number vibrates. The number has been embedded into your subconscious, most likely before you incarnated in this lifetime and is there to help you see what Truth really is. The spiritual meaning of 333 is a union of mind, body, and spirit. It signifies truth and that we are all one. All things are equal. If any one of the sides of the triangle is lopsided, you will not be able to come to your true potential as a human being. Envision yourself in the middle of that triangle. Taking care of the mind is as important as taking care of the body and also the spirit. Seeing 333 is a notice to you that you need to work more on balancing the whole. That you are concentrating too much on only one side of the triangle. What is truth? Truth is being whole, equaling one, balance, harmony. What should someone do if they see Angel Number 333 repeatedly?It is time to realize that one does affect the other. Your thoughts affect your cellular body. Your spirit affects your physical body and also your logical side. When you are too concentrated in thinking negative thoughts, those impressions leave a mark on your cellular body and damages the spirit as well. We are all one, all humans on this earth are one. Once fear and ego are set aside, realize that we are cut from the same cloth. It is a union, to become whole, as one. In seeing 333, your guides and angels are sending a gentle reminder to you so that you can see and understand that. It is a reminder to regain control over all 3 areas of your being. Only you have that ability, your angels cannot do it for you. You may of course ask for their assistance anytime you wish, but you must see that it is up to you to make the decision to bring the pieces together to form an equal whole. It also means that your angels are with you and is a sign of confirmation from the angels. It is aligned with divine truth, light, and love. What does this mean in practical terms?Ask your body what it needs? Nourishing food, exercise, or rest? Ask you mind what it needs? Healing or forgiveness? Ask you spirit what it needs? Are you giving your power away? Begin making changes that bring things into balance. It is an opportunity for you to connect with your angels and that your mind, body, and spirit are in agreement with your Soul’s evolution. When numbers begin to repeat themselves, it is a sign to reconnect with your soul, that you are on purpose in life and be mindful of new opportunities that cross your path. ALTHOUGH YOU MAY NOT UNDERSTAND IT NOW, EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON-I know that you are so lost without me and I'm here to tell you that I am still with you, just in a different way!! That song you heard on the radio, THAT WAS ME, that touch you felt on your body, THAT WAS ME, the chills you get out of the blue, THAT WAS ME!! I know it's so hard to understand the WHY, why did they have to go now, why didn't we have more time, why did you take him/her, ALL THE WHYS MAY NEVER BE ANSWERED cuz everything happens for a reason!! We may never get those answers but we don't want you to torture your thoughts to figure it out!! Please just be open to the signs that I AM HERE!! I love you always & forever!!
A few days ago as I lay in bed, struggling to wake up and get myself ready for a long drive to Maryland, the most amazing thing happened to me. I won't lie at first I was hesitant to even tell my husband because it sounds so 'out there' but I swear to you it happened and it was as real as holding the hand of any of my children or grandchildren.
I am not on any sleep medications, I love to sleep. Ask any of my family and they will tell you, I could sleep my life away given the opportunity. The only time I am at peace in my mind is when I am sleeping and even then, I work out my stress in my sleep. Once while going through my divorce, I woke up to find myself in a fist fight with my x-husband only it wasn't him, it was my poor teenage daughter laying next to me in the bed. My kids have learned that when I am sleeping it is not a good idea to ask me anything, or maybe they know that is a good time to get a yes or I don't care answer out of me. When I do sleep I sleep very soundly. Since we lost Shane, sleep has become somewhat of a treat. At most I am lucky to get a good 3-4 hours of sleep and even then it is not sound. I typically have my best hour of sleep just before I wake up. I wish I understood why, but it seems that after 5 hours in bed my mind finally says.. yeah ok I think we can leave her alone for a bit. Anyway, this particular morning I wanted to get up early because we were traveling to MD to meet my newest Granddaughter, Sloane. I was so excited because she was born early and they had to keep visitors to a minimum for her safety. She just turned 1 month old yesterday. When my alarm went off I instinctively reached over and turned it off because I was entering into that hour of good sleep. I am so glad I did because below is what happened next. I fell back to sleep and just as I was beginning to wake up, I had the strangest and most welcoming feeling ever. I was laying in bed, thinking about our trip. As I went through the upcoming events in my mind, I turned my thoughts to driving down the highway and stopping off at the cemetery to see Shane. Shane is buried at the Fort Indiantown National Cemetery and it is on our way to Maryland. I imagined myself driving through the cemetery to his plot, getting out of the car and walking to his marker. I sat down on the ground and leaned over to give his grave marker a kiss. Immediately I felt a presence in the room and as if someone was reaching around and squeezing my shoulder in a hug. I thought for a moment, wow. I wondered if I just imagined that. I thought to myself, I am really losing it now. Then I felt it again. I know, it sounds crazy, I almost didn't even tell my husband. When I decided to tell Bill what happened, I started crying, I had an overwhelming sense love, grief and relief all wrapped into one feeling. I know it was you buddy! I love you Shane. Over the last few days, I have witnessed some of the greatest feelings of joy and happiness thanks to some very special volunteers. Some of you are aware that we are in full swing preparations for the Walk for Suicide Prevention that is being held in the Hazleton area by a local program called Help Stop the Silence. A very dear acquaintance of mine and someone who has helped me tremendously in dealing with my own grief is the founder of this program. Shane's Hearts of Hope is planning on having a table set up at the walk to share our project with the attendees. Having hearts to hand out is a huge undertaking for us to be able to distribute during the walk event. We will need a minimum of 800 hearts and that is just to meet minimum demand of ONE heart per person. I would love to be able to provide heart packets containing several hearts per bag to each participant, I cannot even dream of doing this on my own. I need your help. I posted a request for anyone who might want to help by decorating wooden hearts and I have had many people offer. A previous co-worker of mine asked if she could help and stopped by the house to pick up a bag of hearts. Tonight I log into Facebook to find the below photos of her beautiful children working on their works of art. There is no greater love put into this set of hearts, coming from children. Just look at their precious little faces all lit up because they know they have done something not only FUN but meaningful. Another mother who took some hearts to decorate decided to make it a family event. Her and her children sat together, had family time and decorated 40 hearts. She told me today when she returned them to be ribboned and tagged that it was a really nice time to spend with her children. Doing the hearts prompted conversation that she felt she may not have had otherwise. The activity was there to provide the catalyst for some serious conversation about her children's feelings on the subject of suicide, mental illness and depression. She thanked me, but how could I say anything more than "no, thank YOU!" in return.
This has been my hope all along, that the lines of communication will be opened up about a subject that has been taboo to discuss for so long. It is time that we stop whispering and we start finding ways to open the lines of communication with our children and others that we have the privilege of being in our lives. If you would like to open up these lines of communication and start talking with your kids about the serious topics in life, contact me and I will be happy to give you some hearts to decorate or some guidance on how you can make your own hearts. The conversation is necessary. It just may save a life. It's been a long month and it is not over yet. The weeks leading up to the anniversary of your death were tough. I was more depressed than I have been in a while, it comes and goes but it seemed to be sticking around just to torment me this last month. It is much more manageable now because I can see the signs, when that blackness is creeping up on me. I know now when to reach out and when I just need a quiet day in bed to rest my soul and replenish.
What made it harder was that I had a horrible sinus infection that was causing headaches to be with me every day for nearly three weeks. At first I thought it was stress, then I thought ok, its the sinus causing all this pain. It continued to get worse over the weeks until I finally caved and went to the Dr. I couldn't even speak without crying. Between the headaches, the sinus issue and knowing that I would be reliving the last moments of your life were just too much. My Drs and my counselor are amazing, I was able to speak with both of them and make some adjustments and somehow I made it through January 18 without a complete meltdown. Next hurdle was making it past the day we said our goodbyes at Ft Indiantown Gap National Cemetery. January 29. I made up my mind that I was not going to skip out on work either day, I knew it would not be a good idea to lay around all day at home and have nothing to occupy my mind but you, so I went to work. I was out of it, I will admit, but the distractions were welcomed between each thought of those days. Now, the next hurdle is the memory of the trip to Ft. Campbell, Kentucky. That is coming up, I honestly cannot remember the day we went. That whole month was a complete blur. It's odd how we protect ourselves from these types of memories and it is also ironic how programs that we use every day now will help us to remember the good, bad and the ugly of our past. TimeHop.... brings me the memories of those days, every day! Sometimes it hurts to look at the posts from last year, sometimes it brings tears, mostly though it is bringing me Hope. Knowing how difficult this time was last year and how I have grown stronger and more aware not only of myself but of those around me has helped me to feel thankful for every moment that we had together. Will it ever end? I'm guessing NO. Will I make it? I sure will because I have a mission now. I will continue to learn, to raise awareness, to love, to cherish every moment until the day that I take my last breath and God willing, I will get to hug you once again and tell you all about what we have been doing with Shane's Hearts of Hope.
The events of the day of Shane's suicide will never leave me. I play them repeatedly in my head more times than I like to admit. He was supposed to be coming home for dinner that night with his friend. He had been communicating with me via text messaging throughout the day about his plans and his arrival time. As much as I tried, I could not get him to give me an arrival time, he kept telling me he was doing this or that with his friends, he was waiting to pick up his girlfriend from work, he was coming, he wasn't coming, I just couldn't get a time out of him.
As the mother of other young adults, even though I was irritated, I was trying to be understanding because that is what kids do. Their priorities are not having dinner with their parents, I am a realist, and I know that. My feelings were hurt but how could I really be mad. I felt like a distant thought for him that day, I felt like he did not care about me as much as he cared about spending time with his friends. IRRATIONAL and SILLY thinking on my part. Around 6:45pm, I sent the last text of the day and said something like... well I suppose you are not going to be home for dinner. I admit I was a bit irritated because he left me hanging. My husband and I proceeded to sit on the couch, watch a movie and wait for his arrival if he decided to show up. He NEVER DID, EVER AGAIN. I later learned that somewhere around 3 o'clock my Shane had taken his own life. We had gaps in texting, the last message I got from him was at 12:08 that day. I waited some time, giving him his space, sent a message at 3:31 and then every hour after that, NEVER to hear from him again. I often wonder why didn't I pick up the phone and just call him. Why did I allow the simplicity of text messaging to be the last bit of communication I had with him. Damn it, why didn't I just call. Will I ever forget the series of events? Will I ever be able to erase the sinking feeling I get when I do not hear from my other children since we lost our Shane? I do not want to be a pest or place my anxieties on my other children but I cannot help it. Just tonight, my husband and I finished our dinner. We are sitting here on the couch waiting to hear if my daughter and her family are going to be arriving tonight or tomorrow for their Christmas visit. I have had a few text conversations with her throughout the day that she is waiting for her boyfriend to return from work before she decided if they would make the 2-hour drive tonight or tomorrow. I sent her a text and asked her what her plans are. Immediately, my spirit jumped to the day Shane died. I have learned that in my moments of anxiety, if I tell someone or I speak my fear out-loud sometimes it helps to soothe my spirit. With this in mind, I said to my husband, I know its irrational... but I need to say it out-loud...I am having a sort of deja vu moment waiting to hear from Christy. I told my husband why I was feeling this way and explained my thoughts. It did help some but I could feel the anxiety attack building as I waited for a response. Only 15 minutes passed and I sent another message. "Are you ok?" What seemed like forever but truly was only two minutes I got her reply that she was still waiting for her boyfriend and would let me know. I ended up apologizing for being a pest and explaining that I was having a bit of an anxiety moment. When she eventually told me that they had decided to arrive tomorrow, for some reason, I still was feeling anxious that something was wrong. She assured me that she was fine. How do you let go of these ridiculous irrational thoughts? How do you learn to cope? How do you not drive your other family members crazy with your irrational thoughts? |
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